Hello, there! I have quite neglected writing for all my 10 loyal viewers. To be honest I really just don't have the time. BUT I feel like I have more exciting things to say than before. Here's the rundown, followed by my future plan for posts.
THE BREAK-UP - August something, I broke up with my long-time boyfriend/fiance. I have a lot to say on this matter, and it's really difficult because I feel very strongly that I need to share some things with other ladies or guys in certain types of relationships, as well as just generally vent. I'll skip the venting and personal digs, since I'm fairly certain most of my readers know said Ex. This relationship used to be fun and unique - perfect in that "Nobody loves each other as much as we love each other" way. After moving in together, things started getting crazy almost immediately. The fun times and cutesy activities continued, but they were peppered with scenarios where sudden outbursts of anxiety-driven bad behavior - demanding actions, threatening my safety or his own, possessiveness, name-calling, impatience, nitpicking and criticism, verbal and physical abuse....This all threw me at first. This never happened before we lived together. I had heard the stories from a couple of his ex-girlfriends, but I thought, "They were crazy, he would never treat me that way because I'm better than they are." Well I was wrong. After the first big outburst (in which he pulled my keys out of my car ignition while I was driving, threw them out the window to a place where they could not be retrieved, and proceeded to punch me in the face and refuse to exit my car. We had to sleep in the car all night, ask the landlord for new keys, and after all this we missed our friend's wedding), the next morning he was remorseful, even tearful, and told me he understood if I wanted to him to leave and never come back. Of course I said no and that I loved him and couldn't be without him. In the 5 years we lived together, it went from "I'm so sorry I did these things" to "I'm sorry we fought" to no apology whatsoever, and eventually to "You made me do that to you." I feel like my whole personality changed during this time. I did everything I could to prevent this behavior, yet was continuously blamed for it. He admitted to me over the years that he had been diagnosed with Anxiety, yet was never treated for it using medication or therapy. I honestly think this would have prevented such a huge amount of his problems, but at this point it is something he will have to address for himself, since I'm not around to tell him he should seek treatment. That never worked anyway. The last night we were together, he was upset with me after I left an event and had not properly sought him out to say goodbye. I was riding with a friend, who overheard the conversation when he called after I left. Through the name-calling and threatening and blaming, I kept insisting that he try to take a deep breath and that we would be free to talk about it at home, as my friend could hear everything he was saying. Honestly I tried so often to save him the embarrassment - I'm sorry, but the way he acted could be so outrageous sometimes, and I wanted to spare him the humiliation, especially in front of friends of family. Anyway, when I mentioned meeting him at home, he kept saying "Things will be so much worse for you when you come home." When my friend overheard this, she insisted I spend the night elsewhere. Without further hesitation - I had been hesitating for 5 years - the next morning while he was away I packed up my shit and left. When I finally left, he told me the relationship was over because I refused to work on our problems. Of course this is leaving out a million details. I don't want them all here. It was a bad time, but the bad far outweighed the good by the end. I can handle fights, I can handle dating someone who maybe lost their job or has vehicle issues, or someone who maybe doesn't get along with every single on of my friends, or maybe is a little sloppy.....Or maybe a large amount of 1 of these problems. But I was dealing with all of it. He hadn't had a job in over a year. He didn't pay his share of rent for 3 months. He never cleaned or did laundry, or really even cleaned up after himself, while I worked overtime trying to pay his share of rent, as well as waste 15 hours a week at dialysis, then he'd be upset when I didn't want to go out after a long day. He then would constantly ask what he could do to make me happy. I would ask him to do simple, basic tasks around the house. He would make excuses, "forget," half-ass it, or straight up tell me he didn't want to do that, or tell me it's my problem if I want the house to be cleaned. Honestly, I'm saying a lot of negative things, but things got so bad by the last year or 2. The good outweighed the bad for a long time, but the bad started taking over, and by that last year I didn't even want to be anywhere near him, or be alone with him, and go out in public with him, or be in a car with him, or bring him around my friends. My 3 best friends literally stopped hanging out with me because they couldn't stand the way he acted, particularly toward me. I really only had 1 friend, and I truly believe the only reason she was around was to help pull me out of this shitty situation. I really don't know where to end this, so I will just stop abruptly and move on.
THE FREEDOM - After moving out, I set myself up with a temporary living arrangement (still not comfortable sharing with the internet where I live, The Ex doesn't know where I'm located), but next weekend I'll be moving into a place with a roommate (it's amazing). I hardly have the words to describe how much better I feel. I used to be depressed and dragging my ass along in life hopelessly. I have more energy now than I have in years, not to mention optimism, and the strong desire to try new things and break out of my shell. I feel like a completely different person, like the possibilities are endless. People have asked if I'm seeing anyone or trying - short answer is no. Yes I'm on Tinder. I'm not seriously trying to date anyone right now. Actually the idea slightly repulses me, and probably will for a while. I'm testing the waters and trying to see if I can find an interesting texting buddy or friend. We'll see. Sex and dating is pretty far from my mind right now. I'm focused on my career, my new place, friendship, and general rest & recovery from all the bullshit.
THE PROMOTION - I've also been promoted at my job. Work stuff doesn't translate well in a blog, but TL;DR version is I work a shit ton of hours but the pay is decent and one day when I have enough staff hired it'll probably be awesome lol.
Ok, no one will ever read a blog post longer than this, so I will be back - but in a shorter time frame than last time, I promise.
