Sunday, December 14, 2025

Cheers to 5 Years - 2025 Tops Lists

 It turns out I still have access to this! Ha! I used to be obsessed with blogging, and I think I could become obsessed again! Here are some of my favorite things from 2025.


Movies

Nuremberg - 2025 Historical Film about the nazi trials, not available on streaming yet.

Bad Faith - 2024 Documentary about the plot by Christian Nationalists. (Amazon, Apple)

Trailer: https://youtu.be/6WYseVO29ZU?si=FIsBLzfW1rAWNsRu

Folklore Long Pond Sessions - 2020 Music Documentary/Performance of Taylor Swift's 2020 album Folklore. (Disney)

Trailer: https://youtu.be/eHwZL17duJY?si=lhPf7DPeSjITO840

Opus - 2025 Horror Movie starring Ayo Edebiri. (HBO)

Trailer: https://youtu.be/eHwZL17duJY?si=lhPf7DPeSjITO840

The Woman in the Yard - 2025 Horror movie starring Danielle Deadwyler. (Amazon)

Trailer: https://youtu.be/1s-Ko4J3mWs?si=eiQVoMSd9eXSgGN2

Weapons - 2025 Horror movie starring Julia Garner. (HBO) 

Trailer: https://youtu.be/OpThntO9ixc?si=p8HJJDQvkSKbYSGZ


Full Music Albums 

Halsey - The Great Impersonator (2024)

Taylor Swift - The Life of a Showgirl (2025)

Final Child - Cave Woman (2025)

Aly & AJ - Silver Deliverer (2025)

Yeule - Evangelic Girl is a Gun (2025)

Nessa Barrett - Aftercare (2024)

Dove Cameron - Alchemical: Volume 1 (2023)

Kelsea Ballerini - Patterns (2025)

Maren Morris - Dreamsicle Deluxe (2025)

Maren - Emergency Exit (2024)

Nancy Nightmare & The Wizard - Death Valley (2024)

Books

Ocean Vuong - Night Sky With Exit Wounds (poetry)

Halsey - I Would Leave Me If I Could (poetry)

Mallory Pearson - Voice Like A Hyacinth (queer horror)

Melissa Broder - Death Valley (horror, drama)

Donna Tartt - The Secret History (academia horror, drama, mystery)

Marissa Meyer - The Lunar Chronicles (fantasy, sci-fi, adventure)

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Living Dead Girl's New Year Big Plan

***Living Dead Girl's New Year Big Plan. Here is the Big Fucking List of shit I'm working on in 2020. Quarantine be damned, I will better myself even with these parameters. I add at least one of these things to my to-do list every day.


Big Fucking List of Shit To Improve in 2020
Also the little tasks I can do to meet those goals


#1 – BE HEALTHIER
-Grocery shopping
-Meal prep
-Take vitamins
-Sleep when I should
-Yoga at home
-Meditation at home
-Exercise at home
#2 – BE CLEANER
-Daily task
-Timed cleaning sprees
-Day off lists
#3 – NURTURE MY HOBBIES
-Read a damn book
-Play piano
-Play guitar
-Play harmonica
-Write a short story
-Write a poem or song
-Edit and type my writing
-Blog Post (!)
#4 – SAVE MONEY
-Make next day’s coffee
-Fill water bottles
-Meal planning
-Replace driving around aimlessly
-Set aside a saving’s account
-Re-open credit card
#5 – LEARN THINGS
-Study tarot cards
-Try new recipes
-Read more nonfiction
-Watch more documentaries
-Create useful yoga file
#6- TAKE BETTER CARE OF MY APPEARANCE
-Weight tracker daily
-Regular haircuts
-Manicures
-Buy better work clothes staples
#7 – MAKE NEW FRIENDS
-Say hello to strangers
-Go different places!
-Pay attention to how I give attention

-Help existing friends progress 1/1/20


Friday, January 24, 2020

New Year, New Bitch

This January 1st of 2020, I got the feeling that absolutely nothing has changed in my life, inside or out. I was still bitter over the Ex, still following around this dude that I didn't even want to date, still out of shape, still not eating right, and my bedroom was still messy af lol.

I'm doing a lot right now that I think would be fun to share. Cheers to a new start and some new blogs!


So idk if I will totally follow through on this blog BS, but I'm at least gonna try. Gonna start in Word format, and copy/pasta the thing. Thanks for listening, brb!

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Back After Some Major Life Changes

Hello, there! I have quite neglected writing for all my 10 loyal viewers. To be honest I really just don't have the time. BUT I feel like I have more exciting things to say than before. Here's the rundown, followed by my future plan for posts. 

THE BREAK-UP - August something, I broke up with my long-time boyfriend/fiance. I have a lot to say on this matter, and it's really difficult because I feel very strongly that I need to share some things with other ladies or guys in certain types of relationships, as well as just generally vent. I'll skip the venting and personal digs, since I'm fairly certain most of my readers know said Ex. This relationship used to be fun and unique - perfect in that "Nobody loves each other as much as we love each other" way. After moving in together, things started getting crazy almost immediately. The fun times and cutesy activities continued, but they were peppered with scenarios where sudden outbursts of anxiety-driven bad behavior - demanding actions, threatening my safety or his own, possessiveness, name-calling, impatience, nitpicking and criticism, verbal and physical abuse....This all threw me at first. This never happened before we lived together. I had heard the stories from a couple of his ex-girlfriends, but I thought, "They were crazy, he would never treat me that way because I'm better than they are." Well I was wrong. After the first big outburst (in which he pulled my keys out of my car ignition while I was driving, threw them out the window to a place where they could not be retrieved, and proceeded to punch me in the face and refuse to exit my car. We had to sleep in the car all night, ask the landlord for new keys, and after all this we missed our friend's wedding), the next morning he was remorseful, even tearful, and told me he understood if I wanted to him to leave and never come back. Of course I said no and that I loved him and couldn't be without him. In the 5 years we lived together, it went from "I'm so sorry I did these things" to "I'm sorry we fought" to no apology whatsoever, and eventually to "You made me do that to you." I feel like my whole personality changed during this time. I did everything I could to prevent this behavior, yet was continuously blamed for it. He admitted to me over the years that he had been diagnosed with Anxiety, yet was never treated for it using medication or therapy. I honestly think this would have prevented such a huge amount of his problems, but at this point it is something he will have to address for himself, since I'm not around to tell him he should seek treatment. That never worked anyway. The last night we were together, he was upset with me after I left an event and had not properly sought him out to say goodbye. I was riding with a friend, who overheard the conversation when he called after I left. Through the name-calling and threatening and blaming, I kept insisting that he try to take a deep breath and that we would be free to talk about it at home, as my friend could hear everything he was saying. Honestly I tried so often to save him the embarrassment - I'm sorry, but the way he acted could be so outrageous sometimes, and I wanted to spare him the humiliation, especially in front of friends of family. Anyway, when I mentioned meeting him at home, he kept saying "Things will be so much worse for you when you come home." When my friend overheard this, she insisted I spend the night elsewhere. Without further hesitation - I had been hesitating for 5 years - the next morning while he was away I packed up my shit and left. When I finally left, he told me the relationship was over because I refused to work on our problems. Of course this is leaving out a million details. I don't want them all here. It was a bad time, but the bad far outweighed the good by the end. I can handle fights, I can handle dating someone who maybe lost their job or has vehicle issues, or someone who maybe doesn't get along with every single on of my friends, or maybe is a little sloppy.....Or maybe a large amount of 1 of these problems. But I was dealing with all of it. He hadn't had a job in over a year. He didn't pay his share of rent for 3 months. He never cleaned or did laundry, or really even cleaned up after himself, while I worked overtime trying to pay his share of rent, as well as waste 15 hours a week at dialysis, then he'd be upset when I didn't want to go out after a long day. He then would constantly ask what he could do to make me happy. I would ask him to do simple, basic tasks around the house. He would make excuses, "forget," half-ass it, or straight up tell me he didn't want to do that, or tell me it's my problem if I want the house to be cleaned. Honestly, I'm saying a lot of negative things, but things got so bad by the last year or 2. The good outweighed the bad for a long time, but the bad started taking over, and by that last year I didn't even want to be anywhere near him, or be alone with him, and go out in public with him, or be in a car with him, or bring him around my friends. My 3 best friends literally stopped hanging out with me because they couldn't stand the way he acted, particularly toward me. I really only had 1 friend, and I truly believe the only reason she was around was to help pull me out of this shitty situation. I really don't know where to end this, so I will just stop abruptly and move on.

THE FREEDOM - After moving out, I set myself up with a temporary living arrangement (still not comfortable sharing with the internet where I live, The Ex doesn't know where I'm located), but next weekend I'll be moving into a place with a roommate (it's amazing). I hardly have the words to describe how much better I feel. I used to be depressed and dragging my ass along in life hopelessly. I have more energy now than I have in years, not to mention optimism, and the strong desire to try new things and break out of my shell. I feel like a completely different person, like the possibilities are endless. People have asked if I'm seeing anyone or trying - short answer is no. Yes I'm on Tinder. I'm not seriously trying to date anyone right now. Actually the idea slightly repulses me, and probably will for a while. I'm testing the waters and trying to see if I can find an interesting texting buddy or friend. We'll see. Sex and dating is pretty far from my mind right now. I'm focused on my career, my new place, friendship, and general rest & recovery from all the bullshit.

THE PROMOTION - I've also been promoted at my job. Work stuff doesn't translate well in a blog, but TL;DR version is I work a shit ton of hours but the pay is decent and one day when I have enough staff hired it'll probably be awesome lol.

Ok, no one will ever read a blog post longer than this, so I will be back - but in a shorter time frame than last time, I promise.

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Music Ask - Remember Myspace Surveys?


Since I'm obsessed with talking about myself, and about music - Here's something I copied from Facebook this morning. I love doing these prompts because I love talking about my opinions, but when they ask real personal ones I'm like I AM THE RESISTANCE!!!!

Image may contain: text

1 - Song with color in title:
Red, Red, Red - Fiona Apple

2 - Number in title
Positively 4th Street - Bob Dylan

3-reminds me of summer
Like A Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan

4- reminds me of someone I want to forget
Just To See You Smile - Tim McGraw

5- needs to be played loud
Vava Voom - Bassnectar

6- makes me want to dance
Doomsday - Nero

7- to drive to
Like A Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan (specifically - driving in the summer lol)

8- about drugs or alcohol
The Bartender Song - Rehab

9- makes me happy
I Want You - Bob Dylan

10-makes me sad
Everything Changes - Staind

11-never get tired of
Jukebox Blues - June Carter

12-from my preteen years
3:00 AM - Matchbox 20

13-fave 80's song
Sweet Sixteen - Billy Idol

14-want it played at my wedding
Strangers In The Night - Cake

15-cover song
lol Strangers In The Night - Cake

16-fave classical
I'm happy if I even know the name of any classical songs, let alone have a fave

17-would duet karaoke
fuck karaoke.

18-from 1987
The One I Love - R.E.M.

19-makes me think about life
Sparks - Coldplay

20-many meanings to me
Every song ever. C'mon.

21-fave song with a name in title
Visions of Johanna - Bob Dylan

22-song that moves me forward
Get Over It - Ok Go

23-i think everyone should listen to
Dump The Dude - Dolly Parton

24-by band i wish was still together
Love Me Dead - Ludo

25-song by a dead artist
Hazy Jane - Nick Drake

26-makes me want to fall in love
Picture To Burn - Taylor Swift

27-breaks my heart
My heart is black. This is impossible.

28-artist whose voice i love
Mariah Carey doing that crazy shit in Emotions

29-from my childhood
I had no childhood.

30-reminds me of myself
Heartbeat - Childish Gambino

Thursday, May 31, 2018

I'm obsessed with the FB Album Challenge



Nobody tagged me in the facebook Album Challenge, but I did it anyway! I love any opportunity to talk about my favorite music. Below I will list my top. This will be more than a top 10 since no one reads my blog anyway. Ha. These are NOT ranked, with the exception of the 1st 2 legitimately being the top 2. It's too hard to rank the rest. Sorry bros. Here are my top 24 if forced to choose.



BOB DYLAN: BLONDE ON BLONDE (1966)
FAVE TRACK: "VISIONS OF JOHANNA"
Rich and dark, but also lots of bright bouncy and fun sounds. Lyrics are pure poetry. Sounds like nothing else that exists. The 1st ELECTRIC Dylan album and a true experiment of it’s time. My ex-husband introduced me to this as part of a Folk Music History Lesson, but I can’t help how much this album means to me. “Visions of Johanna” is, to me, top 3 most perfect songs ever written. The leisurely harmonica and dragging bass is too-notch feels. “I Want You” is one of my Happy Place songs because of how relentlessly, but not annoyingly, upbeat it is. “Leopard-Skin Pillbox Hat” is one of the classic story-songs by Dylan, and “Rainy Day Woman” is a raucous party to bring you right into the celebration of the pioneer album.

GREEN DAY: DOOKIE (1994)
FAVE TRACK: "IN THE END"
 The 1st time i heard this was with my cousin Jackie, she owned it, and was listening to Longview in her room one day. I’m sure this was an insignificant memory for her, but i was 7 at the time, and the lyrics were VERY intriguing for me, as i grew up in a country & christian music only home. As a teenager with a fast-food job, this was the 1st CD i purchased with my own hard-earned money. This was a grungy glimpse into the mysterious future of an unhappy person such as myself. I was happy to know the bleakness i’ve always seen was a popular viewpoint, and that there were people out there with a sense of humor about it and who had cool haircuts. I clunked my way thru teaching myself the power chords of Welcome To Paradise at 16 and really thought this was written for me, even though it was coming from the era i was just too young to remember: 2 months before Cobain died. What a world. What a pop-punk classic.

LINKIN PARK: HYBRID THEORY (2000)
FAVE TRACK: "A PLACE FOR MY HEAD"
This was the 1st “rock” album I ever owned. I “borrowed” a burned copy of it from my high school bf freshman year when it was new, and after listening to it, never intended to give it back. “In The End” was a perfect, just pop enough intro for me. For the next 4 years this is what a yelled in my bedroom. It was an amazing cathartic experience for me, dealing with bouts of depression, anger, and overall angst about my life - moving away from my hometown, dealing with my mom re-marrying, making new friends, etc. This album honestly fit any situation. I memorized every word and left it on in the background of everything the soothe my constant low-level anger. I remember the 1st time i played Track 1 and literally fell to the floor with the intensity of the music and the crashing of guitars and drums. This spoke to me in a language i didn’t even realize I spoke. Chester’s lyrics were everything every teenager goes thru, and I know this album was huge for every millennial.


RADIOHEAD: OK COMPUTER (1997) / IN RAINBOWS (2007)
FAVE TRACK: "NO SURPRISES" / "15 STEP"
When I was 15 I started taking guitar lessons because I thought I was into "rock" music (KoRn, Slipknot, Marilyn Manson)..little did I know I was about to take a deep dive into 90's alternative. My guitar teacher asked me if I liked Radiohead and I had no clue.  He told me I was "too young" and "not ready" for OK Computer, so OF COURSE I went out and bought it immediately. And you know what? I totally didn't understand it, but the trippy vibes really turned my brain on to more artistic jams and psychedelic and electronic music. Then when In Rainbows came out and I heard you have to play them together, alternating songs, well...that was about the coolest thing ever, and made me feel REAL smart. But seriously. I still learn something new every time I listen to these.

LUDO: YOU'RE AWFUL, I LOVE YOU (2008)
FAVE TRACK: "LAKE PONTCHARTRAIN" 
Before this point, I really didn't know and/or appreciate songs with humorous lyrics. I was quite the hipster and elitist. Really into those deep dark feels. When "Love Me Dead" came out I was taken with this funny description of a relationship, the contradicting lyrics, and the goofy, semi-operatic, semi-punk vocals. The whole album is full of funny story-songs like "Lake Pontchartrain" and "Go-Getter Greg," but then 50% of the tracks are these beautiful life & love-lesson verses like in "Love Such As It Ends" and "Streetlights." Every bit of this is endearing and beloved to me.

JASON MRAZ: WAITING FOR MY ROCKET TO COME (2002)
FAVE TRACK: "CURBSIDE PROPHET"

I ran right out to buy this in '02 after hearing "The Remedy" about a million times on the radio. You know, back when  you bought CDs, just before Limewire? The lyrics in this album are 100% fun, clever, and different than anything I was into back then. The melodies are all completely sing-along-able. The mood for all is relaxed, intimate, and reminds me of just chilling outside somewhere. I have to say I spent a lot of time playing The Sims at that age, and I would put this in the CD player and just keep it on repeat for hours on end over the summer. This is still one I can remember every word to. It's perfectly on the edge of pop and indie acoustic - a beautiful intelligent, well-meaning piece of art for the masses.



PEARL JAM: TEN (1991)
FAVE TRACK: "BLACK"
Call me basic, but every time Eddie Vedder sings that bridge in "Black" - I know someday you'll have a beautiful, I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky, but why can't it be mine? DAMN that spoke to me as a lovelorn teenager. This was a classic in regular rotation when I discovered that the 90's had a lot more interesting lyrics and instrumentation. The nice thing about this was it wasn't unnecessarily angry, so I can keep it around for a hard listen, but not feel silly.

A PERFECT CIRCLE: MER DE NOMS (2000)
FAVE TRACK: "RENHOLDER"
This was a BIG one for me. One of the rare albums where I never skip a track. I never had a clue what Maynard was singing about, but the instruments are soooo different. He chants and vocalizes, and really gets to do a lot more with the singing style and music than with Tool. Really it's a mood thing for me. These tracks put you in such a different zone...and that's all I have to say on that, as I truly can't describe what Maynard does here -

NIRVANA: BLEACH (1989)
FAVE TRACK: "DOWNER"
I used to be obsessed with Kurt Cobain. Bleach is such a great collection of feelings. It really suited my teenage feelings of angst, as it did in 1989 and probably in 2018. Listening to Kurt yell and go on makes me feel like I'm in a room with a friend, letting it all out. I'm astonished that this was recorded for an audience, because it is SO personal and intimate. I felt so alone at so many points in my life, and this always seemed to say exactly was I was thinking when I felt like I couldn't share what I felt with anyone. Aside from that - what a unique body of work - this is 100% definition of life as art.

LED ZEPPELIN: II (1969)
FAVE TRACK: "WHAT IS AND WHAT SHOULD NEVER BE"
I burned myself a copy of this from my dad's CD collection. At the time, I didn't know much about classic rock. I really like stuff like The Eagles and Eric Claption, and wanted to dig deep. I asked him to put aside a few of his favorites, and this was at the top. I made listening to this a reverent and spiritual experience. I would play this with the lights low, candles and incense burning, and I would write poems/song stream-of-consciousness style. The psycodelic vibe with spurts of blues and jam were the stuff of dreams to my young mind.

HAIR: NEW BROADWAY CAST (2009)
FAVE TRACK: "GOOD MORNING STARSHINE"
I've been trying to memorize this album since the first time I saw HAIR live at the Paramount in Aurora in 2012 (3 times). I even have a tattoo with a daisy & the words "Let the Sun Shine in." This story still makes my heartbroken, still makes me laugh, and still has me singing along in my head even when I'm not listening to it. The performance meant so much to me, and I will always have this at the top, handy, on my Most Played.

ALANIS MORRISETTE: JAGGED LITTLE PILL (1995)
FAVE TRACK: "ALL I REALLY WANT"
What a fantastic woman. I'm so thrilled to hear that she wrote a musical from these lyrics. Women in the mainstream didn't talk about these topics - major psychological / relationship deep dives like this were unheard of on Kiss FM, at the Grammys, etc. She goes into detail about relationship enmeshment, codependency, cheating, divorce, and let's not forget movie theater sex. She sings it out because she absolutely means it. These tracks are all such anthems for any woman who has ever met any an



GOTYE: LIKE DRAWING BLOOD (2006)
FAVE TRACK: "PUZZLE WITH A PIECE MISSING"
I was obsessed with "Somebody That I Used To Know" like the rest of the world. Thankfully, iTunes had Gotye's first album as well. Everything on this is a great piece of art, with an array of interesting messages about the world, and obscure and intimate insight to very specific relationship aspects and issues. All the different weird sounds and instruments are performed by Gotye, sometimes all at once when he does it live. "Puzzle With A Piece Missing" was my favorite track to listen to stoned, back in the day. I went thru a period of enjoying smoking, but I was unable to interact with the world, or even look out my window, without getting lost. So I would turn my lights off, shut my door, and put this on my headphones - and instead get lost in imagining stories for all of the sounds.

LORDE: THE LOVE CLUB EP (2013)
FAVE TRACK: "BRAVADO"
These tracks eventually became available on Spotify only recently, as part of the Pure Heroine (Extended) album. I couldn't sit still listening to this, after the dark but super catchy "Royals" was released, I was pretty damn thirsty for more Lorde. I don't care about any of her studio albums. The experiments on the EP were all I needed to love forever. She takes cues from Enya by creating layers and layers of vocals, forming a harmonic chorus of her own voice, taking the songs in all different directions at once ("Bravado" is best example). The lyrical content of all of these are exactly what I wished I was able to write at that age. So true of teenage anger and curiosity, with hints or depression and hatred, yet she creates such a huge experience for the audience, and then when you hear what she's singing about, you almost feel like you shouldn't be listening to such private thoughts.

FUN: SOME NIGHTS (2012)
FAVE TRACK: "STARS"
I spent the whole summer of 2013 trying to memorize all the words of this album. Lyrics are always about something unexpected - sometimes extremely simple, like a quick diary entry, and other times like a therapy session, and some even sound like a motivational speech. My favorite part is that all the lyrics sound unprompted - it's poetic but so very conversational and off-the-cuff. That rawness is then paired with a highly produced, yet original, musical canvas background, making it comparable to arena rock or Bowie. Nate's vocals are so full of talent, but again with that same rawness where you feel like he's just singing to you in the car. "Stars" is one of those beautiful existential pieces that makes you feel a little high as you're lost in the vocal adventure and effects, and really listening to him question everything, then questioning it yourself.

VAMPIRE WEEKEND: CONTRA (2010)
FAVE TRACK: "DIPLOMAT'S SON"

PHISH: UNDERMIND (2004)
FAVE TRACK: "THE CONNECTION"

STAIND: BREAK THE CYCLE (2001)
FAVE TRACK: "EPIPHANY"



RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS: BLOOD SUGAR SEX MAGIC (1991)
FAVE TRACK: "APACHE ROSE PEACOCK"

DEFTONES: WHITE PONY (2000)
FAVE TRACK: "PASSENGER"

RANCID: ...AND OUT COME THE WOLVES (1995)
FAVE TRACK: "ROOTS RADICAL"

FIONA APPLE: EXTRAORDINARY MACHINE (2005)
FAVE TRACK: "WINDOW"

MUMFORD & SONS: SIGH NO MORE (2009)
FAVE TRACK: DUST BOWL DANCE

HOT SUGAR: GOD'S HAND (2015)
FAVE TRACK: "TRAUMA"

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Rant - Loving/Hating Time and Money


What would I even blog about if it weren't for the gym?? I've gotta say - after about 2 months and about 35 visits, I haven't lost any weight and I feel like I look exactly the same. However, this only adds up to like 20-25 hours total of activity, considering I usually only go for about 45 minutes. Time to go harder, I guess!

I never know whether I want this blog to be miserable or inspiring. I'm a pretty miserable angry person most of the time, but I spend ALL my time with other people trying to be pleasant when I'm usually full rage.

Aaaaand here's my favorite part: Rants!

Raging Against Time & Money - I love money but I don't make enough of it. I'm not one of those poor people who say they hate money just because they don't have any. I LOVE MONEY. And when I really fucking need the spare change, I work more. I have 1.5 jobs. I work full time, in Sales, at a hotel (a nice one), but I only make $13.72/hr. This is not ideal. However, this is the most I have ever made at a job, and I'm not in a management position. After taxes I make appx $1750/mo. I am literally breaking down my bills below:

+1750
-425 (Rent)
-350 (Health Ins)
-120 (Car Ins + Car Payment)
-100 (Phone)
-60 (Utilities)
-50 (Netflix, Spotify, Movie Pass, Ipsy, Planet Fitness)
-25 (Credit Card)
=$595 left

Gives me about $148/ week to spend on Gas, Groceries, Food, Fun, Laundromat, Car Maint, etc. Like my bills are not that insane but seriously it leaves very little room for savings. I'm literally living paycheck to paycheck. My life is as follows:

Monday: Work 7:30-3:30, Dialysis 4-9
Tuesday: Work 7:30-4:30
Wednesday: Work 7:30-3:30, Dialysis 4-9
Thursday: Work 7:0-4:30, Score Trivia 7-9:30
Friday: Work 7:30-3:30, Dialysis 4-9
Sat: usually off
Sun: usually work 7-3

As you can see, I have very little free time. Anything I want to do as far as errands, laundry, cleaning, cooking, or any normal housework, must be done on Tuesday evening, Sunday evening, or at some point on Saturday. When do you relax, you ask? At dialysis. I sleep for a couple hours and watch a bunch of Netflix. Is is a comfortable, relaxing, pleasant environment where you can sleep peacefully and listen to music and movies without interruption? Hell no. In fact, most of you probably wouldn't be able to relax or sleep at all, but by the end of the day I'm so damn exhausted I can't even wait to close my eyes. Any kind of overtime I work just cuts into my social life or time for chores or my sleep. I have roughly 24 hours per week to get shit done and see my friends, and my poor boyfriend. I'm basically a ghost to him. Any hour that I sleep in cuts into that. Any 2 hours I spend at the laundromat cuts into that. If I spend about 4 hours a week at the gym, that leaves 20 hours a week remaining...Any 30 minutes I spend doing literally anything cuts into my time to have fun. On top of this - remember that whole $148/week to spend on actually doing anything with my life. This is why my house is a hot mess and never clean. This is why I never can find clothes, bc I'll do laundry and let 5 bags of clean clothes sit around for 2 weeks before putting it all away. This is why I can't go to the Cubs game with my friends, or go for a drink whenever I want.

So the fact that I feel like all I do is work and other shit I don't wanna do combined with the fact that I never fucking have time or money to do anything fun...it makes me pretty miserable. And how can I have a better attitude about it? Besides, it's all my own fault. I could've spend $220 or so a month on health insurance a long ass time ago and I wouldn't be dying and have to pay double that for healthcare (my beloved mother pays the other $150/mo) and spend 15 hours a week at dialysis wasting my life. I literally go do dialysis for what? To prolong my life? So I can run this rat race until something else kills me, not having any fun along the way? It's a real problem.

Now taking suggestions for fun & free activities that can be done on weekends and Tuesday evenings. Thank you.

Peace out, girl scouts - The Living Dead Girl


Saturday, March 24, 2018

Blah Post Blah Title Blah Here Blah

Boy, that last one was a real downer, huh?! Below is the photo collage of Gym Days 11-19 - WHICH MEANS: Tomorrow is Gym Day 20! So in about 6 weeks (42 days) I will have visited 20 times. 

Do you really wanna hear more about that? Would anybody read it if I posted about everything I did and how I felt about it? Cuz I could practice writing that lol.

I have to make this observation, though: I see a lot of girls at the gym who legitimately do not do anything. Like I see girls sit there and text for 15 minutes and either idly half-ass whatever machine they're on or just do nothing at all and take up space. And generally these are girls who very truly need the exercise. Now MAYBE I'm just catching them for a minute slacking and they're really working hard the rest of the time, but I really don't think that's the case. Like I watched a girl today walk slow af (even by my standards) on a treadmill and text for like a good 20-30 min. every time I passed her she'd be the same way. I'm like look I know it's only $10/month, but do you really need to waste it like that? You're just over-crowding the place and whatnot. And this is a Girl Problem Only. I never see guys fuck around. (Sidenote: I'm really proud of myself for never having my phone on me at the gym. No no one please steal my phone out of my locker; I do not lock it lol)

Meanwhile, here are the photos.



PS: My body soap sponge really did last 20+ washes! I replaced it with Grapefruit. It is the best god damn scent I have ever smelled. I can't WWAAIITT to use it tomorrow.


Hotel Party!!!

So I've offered to work a bunch of overtime and a turnaround tonight, so I will be having some very great adventures! I'm here til midnight, and back in at 7 AM. SO I'm just going to spend the night at my hotel. I'm actually v stoked about staying overnight. I've stayed a couple of times due to tight turnarounds or inclement weather, but I've always had my bf meet me and stay with me. I've never stayed in a hotel by myself! Of course, being my place of business for 2.5 yrs, I should be 100% ok lol. I will try to take some pics of my good view and sweet room. We're very very slow tonight, so I'm like FUCK IT I'M UPGRADING MYSELF. Tbh I might take a leisurely fucking bath and watch some syndicated Seinfeld. I picked a room with an awesome Lake View and no neighbors. I'm about to feel luxurious af.

In other news, I wish they had snapchat on PC! I know, I know. NOBODY wants that. But I do. I want to be able to check snapchat at work without being on my phone. And that is my other news.

Customer quotes of the night:
5 people holding trays of food: "Hi, uh, where's your party room?"
*Phone Call* " Hi, do you all have an Adult Channel?"
Also this under 21-yo reeking of pot tried to check in (you have to be 21 BOO)
This dude and his gf came in to check in and I asked for his ID and I was seriously holy shit this kid looks like he's 17 (*please be 21*please be 21*) and I look and he is literally 30 years old. Oof.

My night is still 2.75 more hours, so I'm sure there will be much crazier shit.



Saturday, March 10, 2018

Update:10 Days of Bragging!


Gym Days 3-10 (except 4 lol I skipped that pic I guess)

I'm having a really good time annoying my friends by posting a snapchat, a facebook post, AND a tweet (and now a blog) for every single Gym Day. 

Every day is Leg Day for me. I have this fistula in my arm - basically they did this surgical procedure where they fused together a vein and an artery, so the blood REALLY gushes. I'm not supposed to put strain on this part of my arm (bicep), so I can barely do arm stuff. Ya know what, though, I'll sacrifice the flabby arms for toned legs and ass. And maybe abs. I hate to say the word "abs" as "abs" do not currently exist on my body. I have a muffin. I have legs on the bottom, and a muffin on top. 

Going to they gym is still overwhelming, because I've never worked out before....well, at least not as an adult. Let me give you a little background on my weight and body:

I used to be a lil chunker, as many kids are. Until I turned about 11 or 12, I was just normal. I will say that as a kid, and really even as a teenager, I fucking hated eating. I hated cooking, chewing, hot food, cold food, mostly any food-related activities lol. I remember eating basically nothing in high school. A: because I didn't like anything, B: because eating didn't interest me, and C: because I was terrified of being fat. I was 98 lbs or less for all 4 years of HS, and vegetarian the entire time. I used to wake up in the morning, pull off my shirt, and evaluate the stomach situation. If I felt fat, I wouldn't eat that day. If I didn't look fat, I wouldn't eat that day so I wouldn't get fat :/ My diet usually consisted of a Slim Fast Shake for breakfast (which I snuck from my sister), a brownie and a Mountain Dew for lunch (so I could hoard money for magazines with the extra lunch $), and some bread or rice cakes for a night time snack. This served me well. Thennnnn I got a job. In a restaurant. I started learning that I kind of liked a lot of foods when I could experiment and make it for myself. I started eating at least 1-2 hot meals a day. By 19 when I moved out, I was at 115. However, my NEXT job was making gas station food. I knew I was getting bigger, but my bf at the time was a pretty big guy, and I knew he wasn't complaining, so I just kept eating that shit. I was also broke as a joke at that age (who am I kidding, I'm still broke af), so I ate everything I could for free. By the time I turned 21, I weighed 210. I ate out late at night (because I could, and it was something to do before being of drinking age), and the food I was cooking in restaurants was trash - pizza, burgers, fries, etc. I also still didn't have much of a clue how to cook in a normal home kitchen, so everything I made was out of a box and packed with sodium and garbage. I had also quit being a vegetarian during this time. I quickly became depressed about my weight and my body. Like my whole lifestyle changed. I cropped all the pictures I took of myself, I cut the tags off my clothes so I wouldn't have to see Size 16 or XL or anything, I weighed myself obsessively, I didn't swim for years, and never even considered sleeping naked. 

Terms are highlight to like, really show my sad state lol

Let me tell ya, this whole weight thing really effected my everyday choices, not to mention my sex life, which in turns fucked up my love life. It turns out a girl really need some self-esteem. Although my friends never said a word, and my ex never commented on it, I felt like that was all people saw when I was around (wow, she got fat - or the ppl who I just met: wow, this girl is just fat). I have to warn anyone reading this there is really no happy ending to this story yet. I lamented being fat for years, and have never really made a conscious effort to make healthy changes. After I split with my ex in 2010, I started eating vegetarian again, and quickly dropped back down to about 150. After another wild break up in 2012, I started really partying hard and not really sad-eating (I was sad-drinking lol), and I got all the way down to 130. 

Well, it's been a crazy time, in general, and back up to a pretty high weight again. I know a lot of girls who go through this over the years.  A girl's relationships, jobs, living situation, and all kinds of external factors can effect weight gain and loss. It's just difficult to take the lead over your own health and body and just go for it. If I was naturally a Go For It person, I wouldn't have gotten into this situation in the first place. I just needed a big push from a friend who would push me but not judge me. That's why when Krissi asked me to go, I was like ok - I know this girl. When I wanna buy an ugly bathroom rug from Target, she says "No, girl. That shit is ugly. Let's go." And when I want ANOTHER purse, she's like "How much is it? Do you really need it?" And when I find a really flattering dress, she's like "YES you need to buy that. I don't care if it's $30. Don't be cheap." What I'm saying is we've really established a relationship of trust lol. I hope everyone can find a friend who can inspire positive change in their life.

So right now I'm not on a crazy-ass diet or a maniac cross-fit routine. I just go to the gym for as long as I'm able, as  many days as possible. I'm trying to try all the machines and see what works what areas, how much weight I can lift, and how much will kill me the next day. Not too complex, people!

Moral of the Story: 
Try not to get too comfortable feeling sorry for yourself. It's all about little choices I think. 
-Someone said that.

My Random Thoughts For Today:
-I think it's hot when a guy wears sandals. Especially like a preppy, nice, chunky, leather sandal. But only if they have dece feet.
-I'm going to a Chicago Blackhawks game tmrw. My bestie and our other bestie are taking me because I'm poor af. It's going to be AMAZEBALLZ.
-I tried really hard to find a female rapper to enjoy, but I was pretty unsuccessful. If I had to choose, I'd say Azaelia Banks was pretty legit.
-Previously described Bath Sponge + (the one with body wash inside) is at like 14 washes and I think it might actually work for 20 as described on the package - I really love when things do what they're advertised to do!

Ok I'm gonna post this now. I'm rambling at this point.


Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Zombie Princess Beauty Regimen

I have to reveal to my followers: I've been doing something different lately! It's called actually trying to take care of my hygiene, skin, and hair. I gotta tell ya, I'm kind of known for skipping showers, pulling back my hair so I don't have to wash it, and just dealing with whatever skin I'm given. But recently I've decided that I love sponges, I love brushes, I love fruity smells, and I'm enjoying actually taking the time to find interesting and effective new bath & beauty products. I'm into Ipsy, I'm into Bath Bombs, and I'm definitely into telling everyone about it. Right here.
#1: Charcoal Toothpaste
$5.99/Bed, Bath, & Beyond
I gotta say - this was 100% just a case of jumping on a bandwagon. It's a hot trend right now, and I've been trying a different toothpaste like every time for YEARS. So I did that. Please seenmy friend Krissi's blog  http://althelilthings3.blogspot.com/ for further details. I bought it, it was legit black, and it looks fucking disgusting in my mouth. However, I legitimately feel like my teeth were immediately whiter. Krissi has a theory that it just LOOKS super white compared to the black shit we just rinsed off. This could be true. But dude. My teeth are pearly af.
#2: Bath Sponge + Body Wash
$3.99/TJ Maxx
I don't have a clue how this works, but you get this sponge that FILLED with body wash. This brands advertises that it's good for appx 20 washes (I'm at about 10  now, so we'll see). Also the cucumber scent is so damn clean and refreshing. So A-This really super does a good job with actual cleaning. B-For ppl who are obsessed with suds, it's not very sudsy. But it's AWESOME.
#3: Face Sponge!
$2.99/TJ Maxx
Another weird/cool sponge! This is some kind of bamboo/charcoal thingy. I don't even know how to describe it. It's about the size of the palm of my hand, and the outside feels really weird. I don't really  know what else to say. It's a thorough but gentle lil scrubby friend.
#4: Face Stuff!
$5.something/Walgreens
It's facewash, it smells nice, it doesn't make my skin oily OR dry. Enough said.
#5: Hair Savior
$6.99/Walmart
This is honestly a beautiful product with beautiful ingredients. It makes my hair v shiny and soft. For real.
#6: Old Man Back Scrubber & Body Scrub
$3.99/Ross - $4.99/Ross
Whatever, dude. This is like my favorite thing I own. I get the grossiest sweatiest back from sitting in these awful vinyl chairs at dialysis for 15 hours a week. This thing is amazing. And the sugar scrub is probably the best smelling thing I own. This makes my skin ridiculously soft. I like a good hard scrub, and I am DOWN with this.

No, these companies are not paying me to endorse their products lol. I just want to say that the grand total for this shit is totally and completely worth it. I don't think a lot of women take the time to pamper themselves. The ones that do are probably A LOT happier in life. I never have time for shit in the morning, so I take a luxurious shower when I'm about to go to bed. I feel like a good, clean, nice, and happy person when I get into bed. It legitimately helps me sleep better.

PLEASE INVEST IN YOURSELF, LADIES!!

Thank you for reading :)








Monday, February 26, 2018

Days 1 & 2 of Kicking My Own Ass

Current Body Stats:
188 lbs / 5'3" / 30 yrs / Lazy AF

It takes me like 20 min to walk 1 mi / I can't keep balance on a real bike / I have no kidney function anymore, so I'm on dialysis. NO I actually don't have any other health problems. I just only have 1 kidney & it has issues.

Ok now that you're familiar with my physical situation....I'm going to the gym now. I went twice and I consider that an accomplishment, tbh. Now that my lungs are no longer full of fluid (due to said kidney failure), I can actually walk and get around quite like a normal person. Now I just have to lose some weight and get in shape.

I am poor, but I found some amazing steals.

$15 - "Running" shoes by Champion / Payless Shoes
$12 - Gym Leggings by RBX / TJ Maxx
$4 - Fancy Water Bottle by Bubba / Ross
$10/mo - Gym Membership / Plante Fitness

This is the only time in my life I have ever actually done something purposely to get in shape or lose weight. Other than in high school when I straight up didn't eat and lived off of crunches and sit-ups. DON'T DO THAT.

GOAL #1 - I need to be able to ride a bike for 30 minutes on my own by May 31st. Literally no I can not keep balance on a bike bc I have no leg muscle. 

GOAL #2 - Lose 10 lbs by April 31st. Keepin it nice & easy. If I do more, I do more, but I won't flip shit if I don't.

BRB with an account of my experience at said gym.

Peace.

Day 1: I went by myself. My best friend Krissi talked me into beginning the habit, and I was a Brave Bitch and went by myself. Planet Fitness is literally 3 minutes from my house, so I couldn't use distance as an excuse. Also, they are open 24 hours, so I couln't use time as an excuse. So I drove my happy ass over to Payless and bought some cheap sneakers and laced 'em up. I proceeded to talk to the Planet Fitness employees in about 5 different manners: First, I tried "Lost & Cute," then I tried "Bored bc this is all so normal," then I tried "Confident as shit!" etc... Anyway, the nice thing is that the actual customers don't make eye contact (mainly because they don't give a FUCK what you are doing, which is nice), so I could quickly drop my act and just be terrified.

Day 2: Look, I don't mean to make this a Heartwarming Tale or anything, but people are pretty nice at the gym and they really just wanna do their squats and mind their own business. They don't care that I'm sweating my ass off and only able to bike for like 10 minutes. Krissi really kicked my ass on Day 2. I was like "Hey, let's do abs! That's fun!" And she's like "Muahahahaha I'll show YOU Ab Day!!!" Jk I mean it was tough but I survived and we're still friends.

Going to the gym gives me something to do when I'm bored that doesn't involve driving around aimlessly, shopping for no reason, or eating. So I'd say it's worth the $10 investment per month.

Please stand by for the VERY EXCITING post about my current Bath & Beauty routine (mostly Bath). I bought a bunch of weird and awesome bathing/cleaning shit, and I have lots of pics.